It Might Be Time to Buy a Life Alert Necklace.

Bathrooms, Bugs and Life Alert.

I’m about to tell you a very disturbing story. I can’t be held accountable for the visual you will have afterward. But I feel I need to tell the story to help others like myself. Midlife, off-balanced, obsessed with bugs and the need to overshare my life with everyone. So what happened?

I went to the bathroom, because I go all the flipping time. I have the world’s smallest bladder and having two kids all those years ago destroyed my insides. It really all comes down to it’s my kids fault. While I was using the bathroom, I noticed a small bug on the floor. There was no way both of us were going to live. I had to kill it before it killed me. So I took some toilet tissue and decided to end his life. My plan was to just bend down and stab him with the toilet paper and flush his little demon life.

Then it all went horribly wrong. I had my readers on and when you have on readers and make a sudden movement, your equilibrium throws you off. And it threw mine off so bad, I fell off the toilet. Couldn’t catch myself and my head hit the pedestal sink and I saw stars. I hit the sink so hard that it moved! But it wasn’t over.

I couldn’t get up. I was on my knees, tangled in my own pants. Trying not to pass out and wait out the stars swirling around my head. Then I got the giggles. I mean full on I can’t breathe giggles. My  husband is beating on the locked door yelling something like, “are you dead?”

I finally got up off the floor and opened the door. I explained to my husband about the bug and he said, “where’s the bug now?” Damn. The devil bug escaped and caused me to nearly die in the bathroom. You would have thought my kids would have at least wondered what all the noise was. Nope. Just the husband and he was only concerned because he doesn’t want me to die first. That’s another story.

So I think it’s time for a life alert necklace. Although my 97 year old grandmother has one and has twice needed it but forgot she had it. So sorry if you can’t get the visual of me falling off the toilet out of your head. Just remember, no sudden moves with the readers on!

Cheers!

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