I. Want. A. Cupcake.
I realize this is not breaking news and there are all kinds of political and social issues we could poke fun of today. But I can’t even think clearly. My sugar level is so low I feel like I could pass out at any minute.
No. I don’t have diabetes and I’m not sick. Today I started trying to eat healthy and I failed miserably even before breakfast. Sure I need to drop a gazillion pounds and get my fat ass in shape but apparently that’s not happening today. So might as well have a cupcake.
And if any of you skinny bitches try to tell me how to be healthy, send me smoothies that will curb my appetite, or try to sell me ‘wraps’ that will break down my cellulite and make me thin again by Christmas, I will cut you with my butter knife as I spread grape jelly on this biscuit I’m about to devour.
Today is not the day to mess with me. If one more person asks me if they can have a French fry off my plate I swear I will stab them with my fork. Get your own damn fries! Did I ask for a bite of your salad?
Midlife Menopause is a perfectly legal defense for murder. Not that I’ve googled it or anything. Just be my friend and bring me a cupcake. Mkay?
I’m starting that healthy eating regime tomorrow. I swear.
PS. God help my family if I find an empty milk carton in the fridge today. Must have milk with cupcakes right?
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