Screw You Laundry!

screw-you-laundry

Doing laundry is my all time favorite thing in the whole wide world! Said no mom of a family of all boys ever. I would rather eat a fried rat and a side of snails. Seriously. To you moms of little babies and toddlers, just wait. The clothes piles get bigger and sweatier and weirder as they get older. Some days it smells like an Axe Body Spray factory and other days it’s a cross between an NFL locker room at half-time and a pig farm after a monsoon. All equally gross and ratchet.

It’s not just the laundry room. It’s the back seat of the boys trucks, the bedroom, the bathroom and I even find dirty clothes mixed in with the clean clothes. 😦 Big Daddy often gets in the truck and says it smells weird. But does he investigate? Nope. Not until he can’t stand it anymore then he starts searching. He’s found clothes that the boys haven’t worn in years, protein shake bottles (you wanna smell something that will make you hurl on the spot? A protein shake bottle that has been closed up for a few days will do just that) food wrappers etc. Then it all comes inside. My. House. I started throwing away Tupperware containers and shake bottles if I can’t identify what’s in them or how long they’ve been sitting. It’s just not worth me throwing up.

The clothes go straight to the laundry room. Where I spend 50% of my afternoons. I bet I do at least 5-6 loads a day. And one of my kids doesn’t even live at home anymore! Does Big Daddy help? You bet he does. He knows it’s one way to keep me from killing  his offspring. Do you have to do your own laundry in prison? Something to think about. Back to laundry. Once I finish all the loads and fold them and place them on the steps to go upstairs to the appropriate rooms, guess what happens? Some clothes make it to the right rooms, some disappear and others re-appear disguised as MORE DIRTY LAUNDRY! Yep, sometimes the ghosts that live in my house think it’s easier to send clean clothes back down to the laundry rather than put them away. Anybody else have this dilemma?

Then the other child comes to visit. I must say he does his own laundry at college. But when he’s home, his clothes get mixed with the other child’s clothes. So 30% of the week I hear, “mom, where is my shirt?” or “where are my shorts, jacket, socks!” I guess they traveled to college. Those missing clothes might or might not ever come home again.

Then there are the mystery clothes. One girl’s sock, an extra small t-shirt (my kids are large/extra-large), PE uniforms from a school my kids don’t even go to and sweatshirts that I’m pretty sure my kids wouldn’t be caught dead wearing. Is there a city-wide lost and found? You know those lost pet posters around the neighborhood? I’m thinking of doing that with the mystery clothes, “Lost Girls Sock found-Call Jenny at 867-5309”.  Reminds me of an 80’s song…

Then there’s the days I can’t even. I will wash a load, fix dinner, return to find washed load sat to long so I re-wash. Shut-up, you know you do it too. Just like you also keep turning the dryer on because you want the wrinkles to go away from sitting in the dryer to long too. Don’t even judge me. I wouldn’t know an iron or ironing board if it slapped me on the ass and called me Sally.

Now let’s get to the good part. Any money found in pockets is mine. Notes, candy (before washing) or jewelry. Mine. That’s better than finding Chapstick after the dryer or GUM. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean a dryer with gum everywhere? The last time that happened I spent 20 minutes googling how to clean gum from a dryer while drinking the last scoop of frozen margarita from the Wal-Mart ‘Bucket-O-Margaritas’ in the freezer. That was a very bleak day.

So moms of little ones, there is no hope for a brighter future as far as laundry is concerned. Girls can be just as bad (heard that from a friend). You can say you love doing laundry but that makes you a big fat liar. We can’t be friends if you actually like doing the laundry. I bet you like grocery shopping too.

Gotta run friends. I have the never ending laundry to do ..

 

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18 thoughts on “Screw You Laundry!

  1. HAHAHA “Slapped me on the ass and called me Sally.” Ironically, I have read this as I’m in the midst of doing 8 loads of “that-which-shall-not-be-named”. Sheets. Towels. Clothes. I constatly tell my 9 year old, “I don’t even want to wash your dirty clothes let alone your clean ones.” Most times I have to empty the clean, folded clothes from the laundry baskets in order to laundry. This means that laundry I folded last weekend is getting put away this weekend so I can have the laundry basket to do more laundry! I hate them living out of the laundry basket…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stop it please!!! My stomach is hurting from laughing so hard. Hubs thought I was laughing at The Big Bang Theory that is my absolute favorite and have watched each episode 30 times. And I am sure there is a wet load of laundry in the washer right now that needed to go in the dryer days ago. And I need to go to the grocery. And Thingette 1 (my only thing spring ) is at college and brings her laundry home and volunteers her friends laundry too. So we can be friends. 👯👯👯

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t see what the problem is. I don’t separate whites and colors, I pack the washer as full as it goes, and I hardly ever have any clothes that smell funny or get left in the washer for hours on end to sour in the very water that washed them.

    Might want to stand an arm’s length from me on a warm day.

    (Got here thanks to a suggestion from Momma’s View. Glad I did!)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Epilogue: I’ve done much, much better with my laundry skills of late. I even stood in a crowded elevator with minimal anxiety. I turned to the woman next to me and said, “wow, smells like someone did good laundry in here.” She smiled knowingly.

        Liked by 1 person

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