It’s Fall Y’all! Or as I call it, “time to pull out the orange crap and pretend to care about the holidays time.” I used to love Halloween. I would decorate everywhere with lots of black and orange and pumpkins and cobwebs, you know, create Halloween vomit everywhere. Then it hit me one year. NO ONE SEES IT BUT ME. Hardly do friends stop by to see how I decorate or even come for a visit. (Those bitches). We usually meet out for drinks and food. So no one really sees how hard I work to make my house all Halloweenie. (sad face emoji here). My kids could care less anymore and Big Daddy hates dragging out all the boxes when he has to turn around in a month and put it back and pull out the Christmas shit. So I am debating on what to do this year.

I did buy a few fake white pumpkins last year. Maybe I’ll just put those out and buy a few more “grownup” looking decorations. No big deal. Then I’ll invite all my friends (all 3 of them) over for Halloween cocktails so they can ‘ooh and ah’ over my very nice grownup decor. No dead bodies in the front yard or candy bowls with a moving hand in it anymore. I’m going to make everything tasteful and pretty this year. I’ll leave the blood and gore to the nasty neighborhood parents who think they have the best decorations in the ‘hood. I mean how much money do they throw at the Home Depot buying all those cheap gaudy decorations with blow up pumpkins and a giant Linus from Charlie Brown? Seriously, they need to save money for a maid to clean their house.  But I digress.

Oh and I hope I don’t get invited to any costume parties. I mean I can only be a sexy nurse so many years in a row. Why do grownups feel the need to dress up anyway to go drink orange goo from a witches cauldron and then throw up all over someone’s front yard? (Didn’t happen to me, a friend tho). Why can’t we just have a party where everyone dresses normal or in pj’s and have a few cocktails then go home to bed? How much socializing do we need to do? What’s acceptable? 10 minutes? 30 tops? I don’t have that much to say.

And giving out candy. Yes, let’s discuss that topic. If you are taller than me, have no costume on and show up with a pillowcase expecting me to give you candy, you need to keep on moving down the street dude. It’s for the little kids. The big kids need to be handing out the candy so the mom’s and dad’s can watch TV. And I think 8pm is the cut-off for the doorbell ringing. If you are out after that, you have crappy parents who don’t care what happens to you. Don’t they know about all the bad people looking for kids after 8pm? Don’t they know about the clowns in the sewers?

Then there’s the razors in the candy. You do know we were told this as kids so our parents could “inspect” the candy, meaning: eating the good stuff and leaving us all the crappy candy “because it looked suspicious”. Right. That’s why we still do that practice today. I will lie about a Hershey’s bar having a razor in it just to keep if for myself. I’m not ashamed either. 

So while it seems I hate Halloween, I don’t. I just think we need to change it up some. Make it more adult friendly and stop catering to the kids so much. They have everything. We need to take back some of the fun for us. Truth be told, I can’t wait to fill my Instagram feed with lots of Halloweenie pics. And I’ll be sharing new Halloween inspired cocktail recipes on my Pinterest page. Who knows, maybe I’ll visit a real haunted house or institution in October and see if I can stir up some spirits. I’m pretty sure we have a paranormal society here in town that could hook me up.

Anyone want to buy a slightly used slutty nurse outfit?