This week’s post is a letter from a dog to his mom. My good friend Ryn, who has two dogs, two kids and a hubby, is so funny. After reading her post on Facebook the other day, I knew I had to share. Ryn is keeping her mom’s dog, Tank. Ryn’s mom is named Kitty but they do not have cats so don’t get confused. Ryn’s dogs are Happy and Gypsy. So Tank decides to write Kitty a letter while she is on a frivolous vacation and he is staying with Ryn and family. Hilarity ensues!
It’s me. Tank.
So, I heard that you were asking about me. Funny. You know exactly where I am. You took off on a road trip with your friends and left me here with these people. Listen. I have eaten so much peanut butter; I could probably poop a Reese cup. That little blond girl with the curly hair thinks she is tricking me by putting my medicine in a bowl with peanut butter every night. If you don’t get home soon, she will have me finishing that entire new jar of Peter Pan.
Well, I guess that I am doing ok. I can run around on all four legs when I want to but only if someone ever puts me down on the actual ground. I get carried around a lot in this house. When I am lucky, I’ll wiggle away and zip thru the house on three legs. I am so fast! Everyone yells things like “Come here you little shit” and “Help! Peg Leg is loose!” Did you know that rounding corners on three legs is tricky? Especially on wooden floors.
I am also eating well and getting lots of snacks. Anytime Gypsy and Happy get a treat, I get one, too. Well, I don’t always get to eat mine all the way. That’s hard to do with just four teeth. If I am too slow, Happy swoops in and eats it and goes back to bed. They call her Snacks now for short.
Guess what Kitty? I think Gypsy is ready for me to leave. She cries at Ryn all the time. Anytime I sit on Ryn’s lap, she whines and cries and throws her whole body so she can get as close to us as possible. Just throws her big old head down and about smacks me out of Ryn’s lap every time. Big old baby. I still like to sniff her butt though. And you want to know the best part? Kitty, the other day, she pooped in Ryn’s closet!! A big super giant log. And, that big man who lives here came walking down the hallway when he got home from work and yelled “Good God. Who Shit Back Here?” Kitty, it was so big! I saw it with my own eyes while I was standing there on my own three legs! That thing was absolutely humongous! So they knew right away that it was not one of my signature Tootsie Roll drops that fit nicely between toes. And, you know that I would have died if I pooped out something that big.
Ryn wasn’t home when he found it, but I heard him telling her on the phone that Gypsy had left a Big Hot Steamer in her closet. He was gagging trying to clean it up. He opened up all the windows and told her to be sure and buy more Febreze while she was at Target. She sure spends a lot of time at Target.
Oh yeah, I also saw where you were out at a brewery and you found a beer that you might like. Ryn said to bring her six or twelve of them when you come to pick me up. You are coming to pick me up, right? Soon? I really hope so. I am getting tired of peanut butter and Gypsy growled when I sniffed her butt this morning, and I really need some real water. Not this super fancy stuff they drink right out of the cans over here …even though I am starting to like it. Travel safely. See you tomorrow.
Your pal, Tank.
If you want to read more of Tanks adventures and letters to Kitty, Follow him on Facebook by clicking on this:
**Thanks Ryn for letting me share! Cheer’s Y’all!