2020 has not been our friend. Thanksgiving was a bust and Christmas is not longer much better. SO we turned to Twitter to make us laugh and chuckle while drinking our Jingle Juice and scrolling our Twitter feed. So kick back, grab a cocktail and some sausage balls, and get your Christmas Chuckle on with these Tweets.
Nobody warned me that sometimes a mother’s sacrifice can look like bolting awake at 4:30 a.m. in a cold sweat because you forgot to move the damn Elf.
Christmas readiness level check:
Wrapping paper: 0
Gifts to buy: 19
Gifts bought: 3
Days left: 20
I’m fine. This is fine.
Our literal next door neighbors mailed us a Christmas card and signed it “Merry Socially Distanced Christmas.” Like they could have just left it on our front porch??
One good thing about social distancing is that the people bragging about being done with Christmas shopping are out of arm’s reach.
Our Christmas lights twinkle and it looks like movement, which activates the doorbell sensor, which sends me a notice on my phone that someone was detected at my front door. Every 3 minutes. Omg.
The only way we can pay for Christmas this year is to give homemade gifts, shop at Goodwill or rob a convenience store.
A group of Hallmark Christmas movies is called a melatonin.
I do not support a war on Christmas but I do support a war on specific parts of Christmas.
For example, I do not need a tiny orange and a walnut in my stocking I am a grown man not an 11-year-old Victorian chimney sweep. Put some jerky or Cheetos in there mom, god.
When the kids inevitably ask why the gifts Santa brought are so poorly wrapped, would it be wrong to tell them the elves were hitting the ‘nog a little too hard this year?
14 to our cat: Santa isn’t real. It’s just Ashley buying you dumb shit because she’s economically irresponsible.
Me: That’s not true. None of that’s true.
14: You bought the dog an advent calendar.
Me: The elves dropped that off. Can you just let them enjoy the magic?!
Hope you all had a good little laugh. IF not, here’s a video of a Christmas recipe gone terribly wrong on LIVE TV. 😉
Peace, Love and Christmas Margaritas!