It’s hard to continue to love your family when they’re not there for you in your greatest hour of need. Not even the Dog. So here’s what happened:
We recently moved into a swanky apartment. And since I am so cautious not to wake up the hubby or the dog when I need to go pee in the middle of the night, I don’t turn on the light. There is a little nightlight in our bathroom so I should be able to see. You’d think anyway. But last night was different. I don’t know if there was a full moon or if it was the horror flick I just watched on Netflix but I ran into a demon in the bathroom.
Some people call them roaches or “Palmetto Bugs” but in reality they are demon spawns from the devil himself. And I came face to face with it. As I was peeing (sorry to be so graphic but whatever) I saw a big brown thing in the sink. I never knew I could stop peeing midstream after having 2 kids and going through menopause, but I did. That MFer was racing toward my toothbrush! So I grabbed a hand towel and instead of killing him with it, it flung him across the bathroom. I turned on the light and he was on floor under the cabinet. I grabbed the hairspray and went to town. But that only slowed him a little. Then I grabbed the dry shampoo and emptied it on the little f@cker.
He stopped moving finally. So I stabbed him with the toilet brush and threw it in the toilet. I swear I heard him say, “until next time” in the voice of the devil himself.
By now I am totally out of breath, looking for my inhaler and swearing at my sleeping family. I got to finally finish peeing and opened the bathroom door to see my dog lift his head as if to say, “can you please turn out the light”? The hubby never stirs. Guess he can’t hear all the commotion with his C-pap machine running full speed. I could have died in that bathroom and that devil bug could have eaten me alive and no one would hear my screams for help. Wonder why some animals and bugs eat their spouse after mating?
So I get up this morning and everything is fine. I go get one of the new toothbrushes to start my day and what do I find on the floor next to the toilet?
Two Demon Bug legs. Still twitching. Please send holy water and a Rosary.
Peace Love and Margaritas!