How To Know You Are in The Middle of A Midlife Christmas Breakdown That Rivals Every National Lampoons Movie Ever Made

Sounds like a National Lampoon movie doesn’t it? That would probably be the best way to describe any of my families Christmas’s. But holidays do become different the older you get. Especially when your children are grown. I am so very thankful we didn’t have “Elf on a Shelf” All the scenes with the elf would be highly inappropriate and mostly involve booze. Just how my mind works. And just for the record, neither of my kids is in therapy. Yet. So, what are the signs that you are starting or in the middle of The Midlife Christmas era?

  1. You start asking everyone to just tell you what they want as gifts instead of trying to guess the best gifts to give. Yes, you will wrap these gifts even though no one will be surprised.
  2. You throw out the idea of a menu that is much simpler to cook (or order) but your family doesn’t want to break tradition, so you sulk for a few days and drink margaritas and plot faking your death so you can just up and move to a tropical paradise and change your name.
  3. You start telling people what you want early in the year, and you don’t care how expensive the gifts you want cost.
  4. The hell with stockings.
  5. You buy yourself a new car and have the dealership put a bow on it and deliver it to your house. Merry Christmas to Me!
  6. Closer to Christmas day you start to feel all nostalgic and get weepy talking about how wonderful the holidays were when the kids were young and more grateful for their gifts.
  7. By Christmas Eve you force everyone to church (even if you don’t actually go to a church) and tell everyone that the real reason for the season is the birth of sweet baby Jesus and all the gifts, dinners and lights don’t mean anything, and the holidays are way too commercialized.
  8. The family feels very confused after Christmas when you decide the day after Christmas is the time to un-decorate and burn the tree. Your spouse thinks you may need a mental break and plans a weekend getaway. (Winner winner chicken dinner).
  9. You hate all the gifts you got so you spend the next few days returning them and buying yourself what you really wanted.
  10. Now you’re exhausted and your spouse and friends want to know what the plans are for New Years. As if.
  11. This can all be applied to other holidays. I just used Christmas as a reference so don’t get all up in my comments about how Christmas isn’t the only holiday. You don’t want to F@#k with a midlife holiday crisis.

I hope you enjoyed this little sarcastic take on a Midlife Christmas. The holidays can be super stressful and especially in the decade’s long pandemic. Take a breath and plan yourself a merry little vacation afterwards. We all need to stick together and have each other’s backs on our mental health.

Here’s to you and yours! Cheers Everyone!

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